Many of you have heard me declare, time and time again, that I'm not ever getting married, nor do I have any desire to. And then I'm confronted with a barrage of skepticism and sarcasm, ranging from the unfathomable, "What?! You don't want to get married?" to the dismissive, "Oh, you'll get married some day." And this is what I have to say in response:
First of all, marriage is a completely cultural institution. Are humans even naturally monogamous? Do we truly just seek one mate for the rest our lives? Well, those of you who have taken a few psych or anthropology courses know that there is persuasive evidence that suggests that in terms of parental investment, it makes perfect sense for a woman to be with only one man for the rest of her life. Since it is the traditional male duty to physically and financially care for his partner and their offspring, the woman can thus ensure that she and her children are provided for, and so it makes biological sense for her to have one partner for the duration of her life. But look at it from the male biological perspective: if the ultimate goal of humanity is to reproduce, then men should theoretically be with as many partners as they can, sowing their seed far and wide. Times have changed, though, and women are fully capable of providing for themselves, and so this sense of dependency is greatly diminished (sorry, boys). You could, of course, argue that humans are much more complex than their simple, biological urges, and that monogamy is a manifestation of the human capacity to love.
That being said, love is multidimensional, it's amorphous, and it's dynamic-- one's relationship with love comes in a variety of forms, as do the people and things that we, as individuals, love and are loved by. So let me pose this question: why, then, does romantic love have to be the only source of lifetime fulfillment? Why can't family, friends, and community take that place? I believe that if you have a strong support system, you can lead a perfectly fulfilling life sans spouses.
What my defense boils down to is not some oversung feminist rant about the virtues of being a woman (though I could just as easily supply this if requested)-- rather, my sentiments toward marriage can be summed up as such: I don't need a life partner to make me happy. As long as I have a strong support system consisting of my family and friends, I don't see the need to commit myself to someone for the rest of my life. To me, marriage is not about "till death do us part." At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I see the very act of marriage as a form of death-- a slow demise of one's individuality and one's sense of self. The concept of interdependence has never really appealed to me. I'm not saying that people who get married are weak, or that every married couple morphs into a single identity (a la TomKat and Brangelina), but many do. Maybe this sounds selfish, but I could never abandon my goals or my dreams simply to conform to the expectation that I should commit my soul to someone for the rest of my life. I'm not scared of dying alone, or even of being lonely-- I have a much deeper fear of time running out to accomplish everything that I want to. And that, my friends, is why you will never see a ring on my finger.
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I say more power to you. I've toyed with the idea of just cohabitating instead of getting married, mostly because weddings are a big, expensive, consumerist waste. But you get a bunch of free stuff when you get married that you don't if you simply choose a life of cohabitation. So the reason I will one day get married is to get stuff. Things I need for the house I can't yet afford. It's a little ironic now that I think about it.
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